It’s all a little blurry. I’m not sure when or how my “Ellen Campaign” even started but I’m not giving up. We’re having fun, people are talking about pediatric cancer, we’re raising awareness, and if Ellen calls, well that would be the sweetest icing on top of this glorious cake.
Only four more days until I brave the shave. It has been an interesting few weeks filled with emotions, understanding, questions and lots of coffee.
Looking back at my life, I was never one to do something so ‘bold’. But here I am. Putting myself out there in more ways than I would have ever imagined myself doing. I’m tweeting, posting, blogging, which by the way, I’m sure I’m doing it all wrong but I’m still doing it.
Then there’s the singing, well not technically, but I really was trying. Really.
If you don’t know me, you don’t know that I have always been more comfortable behind the scenes, a quiet advocator, doing good for others without notice. Quietly putting good back into the world, believing in the good of people.
I like that part of my life, the quiet surprises, the quiet knowing, yet there is something that has been pulling me, it’s like the world is taking me by the hand and saying “hey, it’s o.k. to be out here, it’s fun, people are great and you are going to have the time of your life”. It’s a pull that I can’t seem to describe, I’m hoping that you will understand as I blunder about and try to make sense of this new path of mine.
I’m not sure what happened to make me want to move into to what feels like front and center but I have a few ideas. My children for starters. I look at them and think “Don’t be afraid. Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there, to take the risks, to fall down, it’s all o.k. and it’s all good”. Then I realize they are not afraid, not in the least bit, it’s me that has always been afraid. I’ll just take this little quiet corner of my world, thank you very much.
I also wanted them to know that it’s o.k. to sing off key, to dance the way you want to, and to put yourself out there for others. It really is o.k., there is enough to go around for everyone.
Maybe it’s because over the years people have shown me kindness, they have been generous with their love and support at times when I didn’t recognize what a gift they were to me, and they still gave, selflessly. Give to others.
Maybe it’s something I see in someone else that reminds me of the own chapters in my life. Start a new chapter.
Maybe it’s because I woke up one day and realized that I know a lot of people that are strong advocates for their causes. They persevere, they are committed, they inspire, they motivate and they make changes. I want to be just like them. Believe that you can make a difference.
Maybe it’s because I woke up one day and realized that I am 45 and that whole “now or never“, really felt like “now or never“. Don’t wait.
Maybe I wanted to be the different one in our family for a little bit, take the pressure off of my son. Living a life burdened with Type 1 Diabetes. He doesn’t want to be different in that way. Let me be different for a little bit, for you. Freedom.
Maybe it’s simply, and most importantly, because I have friends that grieve the loss of their children that fought long courageous battles against cancer. This is my time to step up and show solidarity for those that continue to fight this battle. Grieve no more.
Maybe it’s for a beautiful woman in my life that fought and is now a survivor of cancer. She has always been beautiful but there was something about seeing her bald that made me see a beauty that just radiated beyond measure. I wish I would have thought to shave my head then. For her. Be beautiful. Be strong.
It’s a lot of maybe’s, but I know one thing, and that is I don’t want to look back and say “maybe” I should have done more. It a path not for everyone, but there is room for all of us. Work together.
At the beginning of the year I quietly vowed to myself that this year I would live boldly. I would ask when I felt I shouldn’t, I would talk when I wanted to be quiet, I would sing when my kids ask me to.
Is this new path uncomfortable? Yes. Is it scary? At times. Is it worth it? Most definitely.
Will Ellen call? I don’t know, but I believe it can happen. I also believe that we can work together, we can support each other in any way we choose. It doesn’t have to be big, it just needs to be kind. No need to go shave your head, but if you do, I can promise you that it will bring people and things into your life that you make you want to say “Pinch me, because I must be dreaming, I am the luckiest girl in the world“.