…these cute shoes to start with, they scare me. Falling off of my bike scares me. Snakes scare me, enough to keep away from the trails lately. Swimming in deep water scares me. Being in a crowded space without a clear exit scares me. The possibility of my daughter getting T1D, that scares me. Gaining back the 53 pounds that I have lost scares me. Not being the best Mom, wife, friend, human being that I can be, scares me. Losing people that I love scares me. Missed opportunities scare me. Not finding my true calling scares me, or better yet, not recognizing it when it’s staring me in the face, well that scares me too (yes I am still looking). And before you get too excited, I’m not scared all of the time, I’m taking a leap here and sharing about it, right here, right now. Big deal. Well it was a big deal but don’t get your DSM-IV’s out just yet.
Whether you admit it or not, we all have our own level of fear, things that keep us up at night, things we either face head on or try our best to go around only to be faced with them again and again. These are just some of my fears, unique or not, they are mine and they creep into the cracks of my armor sometimes and I get a little stuck and it throws me off. It makes me take pause and take inventory. And of course, sometimes I just ignore it all, eat something sweet, close my eyes, twitch my nose and wish for it to disappear.
So what started all of these thoughts of worry that stirred up stuff that I didn’t know was there? These darn shoes! My very cool cycling shoes that I love because they remind me that I will be riding 100 miles for Type 1 Diabetes and they remind me that it’s never to late to try something new. But seriously, they scared the crap out of me because even though I knew that everyone falls, or so I’ve been told, my chest would tighten a little bit at the thought of being on my bike, stopping short, not getting my shoe out of the pedal and falling over. Ridiculous you might think, but this fear was very real to me, and something I had to face. I faced it, not fully, but I did it. I was fine, I didn’t fall but it had me thinking.
Why was I so scared? I’ve done things in the past that should have scared me but didn’t, so why did these darn shoes have me in such a tizzy of doubt? I thought about it for awhile, I knew the mechanics of it, click, pedal, twist, out. Simple. Take your shoe out before you get to the stop sign. Simple. If you fall you fall. Simple. Pretty simple stuff, it’s just a shoe after all. Big deal.
Then when I really thought about my foot being locked in and not being able to get it out, it hit me, it had nothing to do with the shoe. It was about what might happen. It was the thought of not being in control, not being ready, the thought of being confined and strapped in and of course the obvious, I didn’t want to fall. Who does. But that really wasn’t what it was all about. I was afraid of not being prepared, not knowing what to do, not feeling confident that I was capable of handling it, whatever it was.
So for me, in August when I ride those miles, it will not only be about the physical challenge, but also the mental challenge. It will also be about letting go and trusting that whatever I need is in me. It will be about facing my fears. Because when it comes down to it, nothing scares me more than just going through the motions of this one precious life that I have been given. I’ve wasted enough of my life taking things for granted and writing myself off as ‘not this or that’. Scared or not, here I come.
I’m a late bloomer, most definitely. I don’t always look the part or even know the part. What I do know is that I am committed, determined, passionate, caring, dependable, and… I get scared. I know that I’m not alone, but sometimes it just pops up and reminds us at the strangest of times in the strangest of ways, it can be scary just admitting your scared.
So here’s to being scared and to facing it. Whatever it is, big or small, truly, nothing is impossible and I am grateful that there has always been something in me that says…”You’ve got this.” Granted sometimes I have to say “Speak up, I can’t hear you”, but eventually I get the message.
Thank you for sharing and for supporting our efforts to raise awareness and important research funds to ease the lives of those that live with Type 1 Diabetes.